(1993)

I have a first memory of when I arrived.

We were at church again.

It was after the service and everyone was outside on the grass. The lawn was really big, like it went on forever, and the sun was making everything look bright and shiny.

All the other kids were playing.

Some of the girls were doing cartwheels and trying to stand on their hands. They kept falling over and laughing. One girl was making daisy chains and putting them on her wrist like a bracelet. Nobody made them stop.

The boys were playing football with two grown up men. They were shouting and running and kicking the ball really hard. IT came too close to me once and I jumped.

I wanted to make daisy chains. I am good at that.

I didn’t say it out loud. I just thought it. But it felt big inside my chest, like a little pull.

Then my new Sunday school teacher came over.

She smiled at me and said,
“Would you like to join us? We’re playing hide and seek.”

I looked at her.

And for a second I thought maybe… maybe I could.

So I looked at Mum.

Just to check.

She didn’t say anything.

But her face changed a tiny bit. Only a tiny bit. I don’t think anyone else would notice it.

I did.

So I shook my head.

“No thank you,” I said.

The Sunday school lady said okay and went back to the other kids.

And I stayed.

I stood next to Mum and didn’t say anything else. I watched them play. I watched them run and laugh and hide behind the trees for a long time.

I stayed very still.

I was good.

Being still felt safer.

If I didn’t move, nothing would go wrong.

If I didn’t go, Mum wouldn’t be upset.

So I stayed where I was.

And I watched.

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Sometimes I think I am good at being quiet.

Sometimes I think I am good at not being seen.

It feels like something I learned.

Like if I stay small and still, everything stays okay.

But when I watch the other kids having fun

It hurts a little bit.

Right in the middle of my chest.

Like I want to go…
but I don’t.

So I stay.

And I watch.

I watch everyone play like I want to.

I don’t understand why I’m not good enough to join in. I try my best.

Author – Demi (and ChatGPT)